L Drunk
by navime
Summary: An heavily intoxicated L is a scary one. Crack.
1. He

A heavily intoxicated L was a scary one, with no doubt.

The three greatest world's detective let out a rambunctious snort as a equally alcohol taken Matsuda spat out a slurred joke.

Apparently L had, by accident, eaten a heavily alcohol-based strawberry cake and (having a terribly low alcohol tolerance) had promptly stumbled to the living room where the rest of the force were drinking, forcing Light to come(with his chains of course, for if it weren't for those, Light screaming and hugging his roller chair begging desperately not to go with a drunk L would've worked).

Light sat bored and irritated at a plush chair, refusing anything prudishly, not wanting to lose all his dignity like the rest of the monkeys and act like a baboon.

"I love girls with a flat tummy and a sexy face~!"

"CHESTTTSSS!" a member of the force murmured happily, pink-faced.

"How do you like yo' lovers LLLLLLLL?" Matsuda giggled drunkenly. "I love them with huggeeee chests, too!" L chuckled, his face whipped with a crimson hue, his panda-like eyes half open.

"With a round posterior!" L hollered and Light shuddered, frightened as the utterly disturbing image of a drunk L was burned into his mind forever. "He has thisss finneeeee perfectly formed fanny and a flat stomach and he has these gawwwjusss, bewtyfurr sepia pools and chestnut hai-"

Here while pantomiming smacking a fictional ass in air Light shot up from his seat horrified and grabbed his arm tightly.

"My god, come with me you stupid, insufferable, drunk idiot panda!" Light cried out, indignantly and quickly began to drag a hiccupping, staggering L back to their room.

Under all the boisterous noise, a slightly less wasted Soichiro blinked confusedly.

"Didn't he say 'he'?"


	2. Why a Detective?

Light made a face as a slap-happy, drunk L leaned in slowly, enormous panda eyes open to comic proportions, studying him intensely, as if attempting to undress Light's face mentally (if it were possible for it to don clothes).

Despite how unbearably sexy Light knew his face was, he could not deal with the internal stress the creepiness of L's stare gave him.

"L. What. Are. You. Doing." And L promptly went in closer and took in a heavy whiff of Light and an inhuman grin spilt his face in two, successfully freaking the teen out, who slapped the insomniac instinctually.

"EKKKKK! Don't touch me!" Light shrilled like a teenage girl about to get molested (it was very well that he knew how, considering _everyone _threw themselves on him.) "How did you become a detective with how flippin' pedo you look!" Light muttered disgustedly at the intoxicated L.

To Light's utter terror, the panda man released a series of repulsive maniacal giggles with a fart that smelled like strawberry cake.

"Santa."

"…Santa?"

"Santa."

"Santa. Why. The beard, how he creeps on children, watches them when they sleep, know when they're awake, know if they've been bad of good, so they'll be good for goodness sake? The flabs of fab? Do you look up to his pedophile prowness? Hrmm? HRM?" Light snapped quickly at the alcohol loaded man. L had a nasty little expression with an adorable pout (which should have _not _worked at all, Light thought, his heartstrings being twanged at how scary cute it was).

" He. Took. My. Cookies. Putrid man, I sworeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to world that I would rid of thissss evil, this blasphemy, this HORRAWAR HE SHALL DIE HE SHALL FWAHAA-" L began to foam in his mouth and Light, absolutely horrified, eternally, scampered out of the room.


	3. Names

A light bulb flicked on in Light's brilliant, bright brain (no pun intended), while he was wondered how he managed to storm out of the room earlier even though he and L were chained together.

L just so happened to be whooping around the room drunkenly screaming bloody murder at Santa, when Light realized that, if L, the super secrety panda was willing to tell him the reason why he became a detective, maybe he'll tell him his real name! It was simple curiosity, it wasn't as if he was a mass-muderer named Kira who somehow devised a clever plan in order to prove his innocence and regain his murder memories at a later date!

"L. What's your real name?" Light asked cautiously at the irate man. L abruptly paused and bounded over to Light like a monkey, and promptly pushed his face close to the other, giving Light the chills.

"My name? Light Imagay-kun? HM?" L snorted out slurred. Light nodded carefully before realizing something.

"Did you just call me Imagay?"

"That's insignificant Imagay-kun. Do you wish to know my given name… BECAUSE YOU'RE KIRA? HRM?" L shrieked manically.

"No! STOP CALLING ME IMAGAY! I KNOW THE MEANING IN ENGLISH YOU IMBECILE!"

" KIRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Noooooo! Agh! I hate youuu! How did it come to this?"

"BECAUSE LIGHTY-KUN IS KIRA AND WISHES TO KILL ME!"

"UGH! FORGET IT YOU DONKEY!"

"Kiraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~~~~~Kiraaaaaa~ Admit it~~~!1!1!one!1!"

Obviously pissed off and head throbbing, Light flopped back on their bed and shoved his head under his pillow attempting to flee to dream land, away from a drunk L.

A minute later, Light felt chilly fingers prodding his back insistently, and he shuddered as he felt L's warm breath brush the back of his neck.

"Light-kun. Ok. I'll give you my real name. "

Light sucked in an excited breath as he sat up in bed and faced the other. L opened his mouth and said," My real name… is… "

_Badump. Badump. Badump. _Light's heart went eagerly.

"Is… L!" And the detective let out a hysterical noise of laughter and Light groaned and slammed his head against the headboard and passed out on the bed.  
>Little did Light know, L Lawliet was actually telling the truth.<p>

* * *

><p>AN: Yup, L is L's real name XD and the santa thing came from Dlvvanzor who writes the best fuggin stories everrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


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